Today was the start of exam and my first paper was lit. I was not really that worried for lit as I think the essay could be crapped even if you totally have no idea about what to write. But well, I managed to write quite a lot of things which I hope is relevant. But I am feeling distinctly anxious about the rest of my papers though, esp PS and SEA which I totally don't understand at all and which is uncrappable. Like how to you crap about marxism, bureaucracy, regionalism, politcal legitamacy if you don't even know any cold hard facts...oh dear, iam scaring myself.

But well, I have only myself to blame. Didn't study hard enough, didn't make enough effort, been slacking this whole semester. This has happened to me so many times before,for O and A levels. Not studying when I have the time, even when the books is just in front of me. I can stare at the same page of the textbook for very long,but yet nothing goes in. I only starts studying in earnest when the exam is like the next day and only then I start panicking and studying at top speed, by then it'd be too late. Well, I got lucky for the 'O's , I scrapped through the 'A's but I have the nagging feeling I won't live this one through. I have made so many resolutions not to procrastinate, but I have never kept any of them. My motto is 'there is always tomorrow' which is BAD. I am scaring myself, at this point in time, I am still reading story books. Yes, I dug out my book of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and reread it for the upteenth time. Come to think of it, I read harry potter before the 'A's too, but I think that was the Goblet of Fire....I am simply not learning from past mistakes and letting history repeat itself.

I always have such low expectations of myself, like I would be very happy if I get a B for my essay, even for the exam. But my friend just told me that a friend of hers has been getting As this whole sem for her assignments and when she got a B+, she was quite freaked out.. That conversation gave me a big scare and jotted me to my senses. Do i want to get mediocre grades all my life and be a nobody? Nono, I've always had been dreams about being SOMEBODY, not that it'd come through, but it doesnt hurt to have dreams and ideals and even if you work hard but fall short of it, it is still somewhere. As yx put it, there is no stopping me except myself. All I have to do is to overcome this barrier within me and I am on the way to the tops. yayyy

5 more days to go before my impt papers finish. Hope I can remain sane until then...