Received a lecture from Dad yet again. Sometimes I feel that his expectations of me are too high and I can't be up to his standard. It started innocuously enough...We went for our usual Saturday day night dinner.This time was at Crystal Jade LaMian Xiao Long Bao and we were chatting about things. He was telling me about his golf tournaments and telling me the big names that he met, like Ng Eng Hen(I think). When I looked unimpressed, he asked if I knew who he was. I was like, yeah he is a minister. He pressed further, minister for what? I couldn't give a definite reply though I sort of remember he is the minister for manpower, but as I wasn't sure, I kept quiet. He then proceeded to rattle off a few names and I bowed my head in shame. He started to go on and on about the ignorance of youngsters today, or maybe just me, and he zeroed in on the fact that I take political science and yet know nothing. He further questioned me on what I want to major in and what I want to do as my career. He then proceeded to give me a prep talk...blah blah.. On the jouney home, I felt that Dad expected a lot of me, as any father would expect of their daughters, but I felt that I was only mediocre at best, I wanted to tell him so, but the words wouldn't come out. I suddenly realized that he was right, I did have very low expectations of myself, I didn't push myself hard enough. His words jolted me back into reality. Was I really happy getting B for my assignments or barely passing the exams? What can I do with just a BA degree without honours or anything? I had always dreamt of being a high-flying career woman, but can I,given my lack of ambitions. Time to wake up and face realities or maybe start working toards my goals..

Zero achievements

Its the end of yet another week, with the exam date drawing closer and ever closer. The week simply flew past. What have I done this week. Nip zip nada....nothing....totally nothing at all. I have been slacking again, yet another week wasted. I seriously don't know what I am doing man, will I only start cracking on the eve of exam or something? Seems like I had an excuse for not studying everyday. Mon was post research paper day, felt compelled to rest and give myself a treat before tackling other stuff. Tues...I was still on a reward myself for having completed research paper mode. Wed... I seriously did set aside some time to study for SEA studies, unfortunately, I was soon nodding off and the lure of msn and the internet proved greater than my resolution to study....I succumbed yet again. Oh the heart is willing but the flesh is unwilling...Sigh. Thurs, I felt unwell, was sneezing away and felt so dead tired, needless to say, nothing accomplished on that day. Today, I had driving lesson. Oh talking about driving lesson, it was my first time doing the circuit thingy. My instructor complained that I drove too fast, even while doing the crank course and the S shaped whatsitsname, I told him it was because of nerves. Strangely I had no problems on the road but when it came to the circuit, my nerves just crumbled away. Maybe its because of lack of practice.

After that, I wondered around Bugis and raffles city and for some reason, even went back to NTUC Income(not the supermarket) where I spent 6months as a temp stuff during the long break. My ex-colleagues were gratifyingly happy to see me and exclaimed over me, saying I had become thinner and prettier(as if...at the rate I am snacking). Needless to say,I felt quite embarrassed by their attention and turned several shades redder. Nevertheless, I left with a warm glow inside me, I didn't know I was so well like(not being bhb here).And they kept urging me to go back and work during the one month break. I promised I would consider, but seriously, after the traumatic experience of the pending exam, all I would want to do after that would be to slack around....Hmm...

Now I shall seriously attempt to study. Fortified with coffee and some munchie munch, hopefully I can overcome my barrier to procrastinate. I shall switch off my computer to prevent distraction.

A lost soul

I am but
A lost soul
Drifting along in the vast ocean

I drift along with the waves
Aimlessly, cluelessly
With no sense of urgency
nor a care in the world

I drift further away from the shore
From the safety and security of the land
Into unknown territories
That has yet to be explored

Bruised and battered
Disappointed again and yet again
Till hope is lost
Cherished dreams destroyed

My tears mingle with
The salty sea water
Who can see my pain
When will it ever cease

The shore is my hope
How I long to be back
To that solid ground
Where warmth will surely surround me

I am waiting and waiting
For someone to guide me back
Back to the safety of the sancturary
Who will it be......





Okie this is my maiden attempt at writing poems in a very long time, so I can be forgiven for butchering the english language and hope that Tennyson or shakespear would not come after me. And no, I am not depressed or anything, just felt melancholic and wanted to come up with a sad poem that expresses my feelings and lets face it, I am perpetually lost ....

To reveal or not to reveal

I got into a fiery debate with my mum today... and it all started with a mole. Well, I discovered a mole near the vicinity of my hips today which had probably sprouted out in the past week cos I have never seen it before and I always notice such things, and moles CAN BE CANCEROUS. So I mentioned it in passing to her and showed it to her. When i straightened up, she told me not to wear my jeans cut so low (until what is known as buttcleavage can be seen). I supposed she was only cautioning me not to do it and not actually referring to my dressing, but I was on the defensive immediately. The 'guai' part of me urged me to be silent and obediently say 'yes mum'. The rebellious part to say what is wrong with showing butt cleavage. Rebellion won out, I immediately retorted something to the effect that I never wore revealing clothes, and that i didn't see anything wrong with that. I was feeling pretty indignant because firstly I feel that my dressing is pretty decent, I seldom wear 'revealing' clothes and my jeans are not all that low. And secondly I felt it was pretty hypocritical of her to admonish me when she wears spaghetti straps more often than me. My smirk must have been too obvious for she went into a tirade immediately.

I really could have done without it

sigh

Why did I argue with her, my own fault I guess. But I HAD to....I felt so restricted, so controlled...No late outings,no clubbing, cannot be scantily clad(not that i want to...just a matter of rights), must always report my movements to her.....sigh, I am so contradictory. I think I just wanted to be perverse(as in not the twisted kind). I am not even that fond of wearing short short skirts, or bare back stuff or low cut tops...u get the drift...think I would feel very uncomfortable...I'd rather feel comfortable, look nice and be ME. Anway we just got into this long debate which ended pretty amiably. But I felt that the matter was still not resolved and it would not be long before the sleeping volcano errupts again.

When mum is angry, she digresses very easily. And would start scolding me for other things that I thought I had gotten away with. Anyway what is worst is that she will tell me to go and live with my dad instead. What she never fails to say in every argument is that I treat the house like a stepping stone and that if I am not happy with her dictatorial ways I can always get out.

Man I always feel like a ball which she can throw around when she says that. Arent I like her responsibility or something??? The first time she said that, I felt so hurt that I cried the whole night. Nowadays I am quite numb to that already,but still....sigh...

A lousy night, got further scolded by my dad when I called him at night for not passing on the school's bills to him. He ranted on and on about responsibility and threatening not to pay for the next sem and I was like WHATEVER, AS IF (ok i din have the guts to come right out and say it) and since I was using the handsfree, I did not pay much attention to him and when it got to my breaking point, I simply removed the earplug for a few seconds before replacing them and making the suitable responses like 'yeah', 'hmm', 'yes i know', 'yes i am sorry', 'i wont do it again'....etc.... Bad of me, I know...but try being scolded by two parents in a row....not very pleasant.......Feeling very grumpy now, which is unusual.....hopefully tmr will be a better day

Tired tired

Phew I am officially brain dead... After finishing my research paper at and sending it to darling Julia to hand it in for me, I could not find it in me to do anymore work. Having slept at 4 yesterday and waking up at 8 today, a normal person's reaction would be to go and catch up on the sleep after completing the paper. But I for some reason felt the need to reward myself and that means---> more food. Yup, so I lost control yet AGAIN. Famous Amos cookies, cakes, biscuits, u name it. So my afternoon was spent snacking and reading novels. And at night, I juz slacked around. Ahhhhh, the guilt is killing me. Guilt of eating too much and guilt of not studying when the exams are 1 month away and you just ask me anything about political science, southeast asian or sociology and I doubt I'd be able to answer the question.

Whats wrong with me???

Am I the only one out there who faces this problem?

Maybe I'd be better after a good night's sleep and start studying tomorrow...but how to, when I have another deadline due next week, and it would be the same vicious cycle again.


Sigh

sigh

sigh

Eeks....... cockroach

Gosh,just had a scary encounter with a cockroach while doing my research paper. It was actually in my room. It was the flying kind and it was super huge. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers. My hands are shaking even as I type, I am so deeply traumatized now. It must have flown in from the window. One would have thought that cockroaches would have been happy with the 10th storey....But no, why must it fly all the way to the 20th storey and disturb my peace. The worst thing is, it disappeared while I went to look for the Baygon. The postive thinking would be that it flew back out the way it came from. The negative view is that it is lurking about in my room. Just the thought of it makes me....sick. Now i am turned off my sleep despite having been very tired before its appearance. I don't particularly want to sleep in the same room as a cockroach. It puts me to mind of a gory conversation I had with some friends about swallowing errr...unknown stuff while sleeping. Extreme gourmet anyone? Shudder...Now I am tense and with my ears on the 'hearout' for any sound that might alert me to the cockroach's presence. Fortified with Baygon just near my hand as a weapon, its back to my paper again.

Another day gone by

Dad surprised me with a Durian cake yesterday. I must say I was pleasantly surprised, it has been ages since he got me a cake, thats normally mum's 'job'. Anyway the two of us managed 2 slices each despite having dinner before that. The cake was delicious, could tell it contained a lot of real durian pulp though there was a tad too much cream as decoration for my liking. Personally prefer Goodwood Park's famous durian cake which is super yummilicious and minus all the whipped cream on top, but well, beggars can't be choosers right?

Anyway, thats probably where I got my hearty appetite from, though Dad is more a fried stuf, carrot cake, hokkien mee person while I am a...well.... dessert person. I can't really stand hawker food, especially super oily stuff. But both of us luvv chocolate and coffee. I consider myself quite a dessert and coffee connoisseur, I can just rattle off the names of the cafes that serve the best stuff. My friend comented that I am a food elitist???.....Well I never thought about it this way, but I guess I probably am. Thats not a crime right, each to his own....

Still working my ass off on my research paper, I am not even halfway through yet. I have a bad feeling tonight will be an all nighter. Sigh... I'd be dead if I don't meet the date, so I had better get cracking.

Music: black eyed peas- Shut up
Mood: Still optimistic though very tired

ps: hopefully I can survive the night.....

Happy happy day

Wow..what a day...Had a morning jog..no run..on the trackmill early in the morning. Felt great after that as I pounded all the stess away with each each step I took. I seldom run on the trackmill in the gym, haven't done it in ages, I hate it(am I contradicting myself?) But my usual machine, the transporter(which i can do and read books at the same time), was occupied, so I had to make do. Anyway I felt pretty good after the run...more energised and at least I burned a lot of calories....which i'd be piling on later.....

Had a healthy lunch of salad buffet with my mum at The Pines, actually not that healthy considering the number of buttered bread rolls I took or the chocolate truffle cake which I ordered to make up for the lack of birthday cake this year. Went to school after that to borrow some books for my southeast asian research paper(sounds familiar?) Horror horror, couldn't find any relevant books. I should have known better....that I am not the only person doing the paper. But perhaps I am the only person who hasn't even come up with a title for the paper, much less written anything. Ahhhhh....stressed stressed. Went to Jan's room to download songs for my mp3...downloaded a whole lot of songs. BIG Thanks to Jan, I can now blast the songs in my room while I study... sure to keep me wide awake as I groove to the R&B and hiphop numbers. I WANNA GO CLUBBING. Sigh...that would be in Dec.

Anyway the highlight of the day was going to NYDC for dinner. Only Ivan a.k.a. Ivy and kevin turned up initially. We ordered a baked pasta. While we waited for the food, which took a supremely long time to come, we cracked a lot of lame jokes and Ivy was being nutters as usual(no offense, sister ;p). When the food came, instead of wolfing it down very fast which is what I normally do( I know...not very lady-like...but who care when it comes to my all time favourite food), I ate it slowly and savoured every bite...Mmmm. After that was dessert time. Kevin ordered a tiramisu mudpie which Ivy declared tasteless(something wrong with his tastebuds la), Ivy ordered the Ugly cake and I dithered between cookie monster mudpie and the cakes before settling on the Jazzy brownie. Kevin and Ivy kept thinking pics of me using the handphone while I was enjoying my brownie...so offputting. Just as we finished the desserts and Ivy was getting bored again and came up with this so totally lame sexuality card game which was a total hoot but too embarrassing to elaborate more on this blog, Tim and Sarah came along, and we decided to go Hagen Daaz. Kevin paid the bills and they all tried to convince me that there was this special promotion going on which was like 'buy two get one free'thingy. Guys, I know I am gullible, but not THAT gullible. But I must say Sarah was pretty convincing, but I was not fooled,not one bit.

At Hagen Daaz, it was more desserts for me. Sarah and I shared a brownie and the belgian waffles. Needless to say, the brownie was better than the one at NYDC. We had a pretty wild time. Ivan was being super bonkers and juvenile...he actually used his straw to blow water at us...eeks and blowing bubbles into the water....haha. We had great fun freaking Kevin out with Colin Ray's song- Love me. He becomes deeply traumatized on hearing it. All in all, I had a great day and a wonderful night, and I was so touched that they celebrated my birthday...albeit a belated one. Thank you guys, I really enjoyed myself, what with all that madness and laughter.

Listeing to Colin Ray's Love Me( now I know Kevin is freaked out by this song....shall sing it in his presence...heehee) Back to my research paper now.

Stressed

Phew I am sooo super stressed. I have a 7 pages long south-east asian research paper to do which is due next week and I know nuts about the topic. In fact, I am pretty much clueless about the whole module. The readings are like super thick and the words extra small, so I haven't even gone about tackling it yet. And with the exams looming up, it makes it all so much worse. The same goes for my other 4 modules. Sad to say, I have been procrastinating a lot. Everytime I decide to study, either something crops up or nothing just go into my rusty-by-now brain. Sigh and who ever said uni life is easy and arts students have it easy, all a big bull s***t. Why do we study so much? Is it because if we don't, chances are that we would not find a good job....or is it because we truly want to learn more things, to broaden our horizons? I think for me it's the former....which is a BAD thing, because if this is the case, I would not get joy out of studying. I would merely go for classes, tutorials because it is my duty as a student to go and not because I truly want to. Right? I don't know....this is all so confusing.

Time flies and never wait for anyone, so I must treasure the times I get to study before going out into the society to work which will be more of a challenge and stress. That would also probably be the time where I would look back and lament that I did not make full use of my time in the university. So i must grasp the opportunity while I still can so that I would not have any regrets in the future. Okie, so starting for now, my resolution is to go for classes, enjoy the lessons and LISTEN instead of sitting there and stoning and day-dreaming which is what I always to now. Of course, that means working hard. My research paper beckons.....bye for now

I don't want to get out of bed.....yawnz 

wonder what heidi's dreaming about...wish i can be like her 

Me on artz bash nite 

In my room 

Does looks matter

So much for 'dieting', and I really did so want to cut sugar out of my diet....well, as least for 5 days. It all started well. 2 slices of peanut butter whole meal bread, cafe latte(WITHOUT SUGAR), I even forced myself to chew two stalks of celery(raw) without gagging. I wonder if anyone eats celery and enjoy eating celery, I certainly didn't. I had driving lesson today, so for lunch, I just grabbed a chicken mayo sandwich and had a kiwi to control my cravings. It all went sooo well until I got to school early for my gem at the science faculty and decided to explore the canteen. Silly me, I know. I discovered a Spinelli's hidden at the back and when I saw the price(which is a lot lesser than those outside school), my willpower all but flew out of me, especially when I saw the black, white and brown cake(which is this really decadent mousse cake which I have been craving for for a very long time and which I can wax lyrical about it unless someone stops me). Well needless to say, the floodgates opened and I went for it despite my brain telling me not to, add another almond biscotti and a chocolate cookie and you have the whole enchilada. After eating it, the guilt hit me like tons of bricks and its bye to my diet(at least for today)

Who ever said dieting is easy. And I was just wondering, does size really matters and for that matter, looks... Will someone like me for who I am and not what I look like. Hmm, this is a interesting question. Why are there so many women out there who are constantly on diets, on pills or even plastic surgery. Who is judging them? Themselves, other women, or men? Will one feel better strutting in figure hugging clothes as compared to one hiding a multitude of sins behind baggy clothes? I know I will. Phew why am I talking about such stuff. I only hope I get back on track tomorrow. No choice, I am conforming to a society who loves thin ppl.

A new beginning

Today was the start of my diet. Nono, don't get mistaken here, I am not trying to lose weight or anything, just beginning on my errr... quest to eat healthier and live healthier and all that. It all started when I decided that enough is enough, I am not going to be a slave to food anymore. It was kind of obsessive in my opinion, I would constantly think about food and once I start, I cannot stop, especially chocolatey stuff as all my friends would know. Thus I decided to try to eliminate sugar from my diet for five days after which according to a guru, one is supposed to feel top of the world, energetic and all that. But of course that means eliminating simple carbs as well, ditto for fried stuff. Well, what do I have to lose right, I decided to give it a go, especially since I have been feeling pretty sluggish and tired all the time and need to have my daily fix of caffeine everyday.

Well I must say today was pretty smooth sailing. I manged to keep away from sugar laden stuff but instead stuffed myself with plenty of fruits and veggies plus a healthy lunch and dinner. I feel weak,haha. Its been so long since I haven't had my daily serving of chocolates. But I stand determined....Wish me luck.

A sucky day

Today was my birthday and I spent it alone. Well almost... ( for some background info, my parents are divorced and I live with my mum during the weekdays and my dad during sat and sun. ) Anyway dad had to go for this golf game, so I decided to lounge around at Orchard until it was time for me to go home. Felt a bit disappointed that I had to spend my birthday alone but I was almost certain that mum would have at least gotten a cake for me and besides Dad had already treated me to dinner at Spaggedies the night before, fried calamari, soft shell crab, three meat combo pizza and tiramisu to end it. It was certainly a sinful and supremely satisfying dinner. Plus I got the creative mp3 player I wanted., so I shouldn't be complaining. Went to orchard library to study, though admittedly I didn't do much studying. Just managed to borrow some books for my south-east asia research paper which incidentally is due next Mon and I havent done anything yet...shit.

Left my bag at Cafe Galilee and went off for lunch. Was distracted by sale at Fox and got a pair of jeans and a jacket which I have been meaning to buy for ages and what better time than to treat myself on my birthday rite...self justification.... Anyway got some scones for lunch and went back to the library to enjoy it. When I got there, found a ang moh sitting at my table and my sweater was on the ground and I came to the conclusion that she had done the deed,thus I gave her THAT look and went off to another empty table and settled down to enojoy my scone with some hazelnut ice blended coffee. Actually felt a bit guilty later and thought it was pretty ungracious of me....After all, I cannot be so unreasonable as to occupy a whole table by myself rite? So I made up for it by smiling sweetly at the next person who asked to share the table....haha...so dumb rite? I spent the rest of the afternoon flipping through magazines and left at about 5, anticipating a cake when I got home. Imagine my disappointment when I got home and mum was on the way out for her dinner&dance thingy. She sort of sensed my disappointments as only mums can and promised to make up for it. But well......thats not the point...sigh. So I spent the night with my two doggies and needless to say studying was not on my agenda.

So now, I am figuring out my new mp3 player and hoping that I will have the willpower to study tomorrow...