I know I said that I am fully prepared for the worst for my results, like having to retake PS or SEA next semester, and indeed in my earlier blog, right after the exams, I said that no matter what grades I got, I know that I have tried my best. But now, thinking back, have I really tried my best, and how 'best' is my best. Am I too easily satisfied? I had initially felt ok with my results as I felt I 'deserved' it, but as more people compared their grades with me, I I felt seriously depressed, I can't tell you the number of people who got a cap of 3.5 and think its lousy. Plus a friend who had a lot of problems during exam period even managed to pull though brilliantly. I can't honestly say I didnt feel a tinge of envy when she told me her grades. I am happy for her of course, but can't help wondering, where does that put me? i guess its time for some serious review about my studying methods. Or my attitude towards studying..

Plus I had another huge blow today...I failed my driving test. I had really hoped to pass it the first time round, and always had a lot of confidence in myself on that. I did the circuit perfectly and kept telling myself not to go at my usual break-neck speed and be more careful. When I was out on the roads, I did everything alright except at one crucial moment, when I was turning out into the mainroad and there was a car coming towards me, with a left indicator on, so thinking he was going to turn left, I drove out, instead that !@#@&## driver had no intentions of doing that and came straight towards me, and in my panic, I struck the kerb... It meant an immediate failure for me. I was like damn damn damn!!! ERhhh, stupid driver...But who to blame? Myself, of course, if only I had waited for her to pass. Was I over-confident? Yes, I suppose I was...I had to blink back tears when I was told that I had failed the test, though I knew in my heart I would, I was still holding out some Hope, hope that the examiner would be lenient, hope that HE would carry me through...tears of what? I don't know, frustration, anger at myself, sadness....


Christians around me told me to put my faith in the Lord and He will pull me through. I did put my faith in Him, but I did badly for results, I failed my driving test, and a whole lot of other things. Oh, I know I shouldnt expect miracles, but what am I to expect then? I know that whatever He does, there is a reason for it, we just have to be patient and have faith and He will see us through, I have read and heard enough of this, but so am I destined to be mediocre all my life. Am I destined to wait all my life? I feel so confused, all my doubts rising to the surface yet again. I don't know what I believe in anymore....