Have you ever felt suffocated, when the four walls are closing in on you so tight you can't breathe. When your house has become a prison, and your mother the warden. When the thought of escape never seemed brighter. When darkness and despair just engulf you and you just wish yourself far far away. When silly thoughts start dancing in you head, and I just wish I can disappear, maybe then would she regret treating me thus. Never a pleasant word, always animosity and acrid words, meant to burn and anger. Where the only place I can let my guard down is the toilet, where I can lock the door and sob my sorrow out to the four walls, trying unsuccessfully to stem the flood of tears so that my tell-tale puffy eyes won't give me away during dinner time. Where I was threatened to be locked out of house if I get home past 10pm, just because I was out late for two consecutive nights, and 11pm at that. I am 21 for crying out loud, what century are we living in anyway. Its not as if I smoke, drink, do drugs or anything indecent, I have even stopped clubbing. All the anger and resentment burning inside me, I doubt I would give a shit if I were locked out, I don't even mind being kicked out, or maybe I should just leave. I really don't know how much of this I can take. I can't wait for my birthday to come. My key to freedom, or is it?

My mother is really the most infuritating person on earth. For the cake I had baked earlier on, I had actually divided the batter into two pans, 1 small heart shaped one, and another normal pan, in view of the upcoming mother's day. Any other mother would be touched by a home made heart shaped chocolate cake. Not my mother. She told me in her words to stop using her things(meaning her electricity..etc) to bake for other people. How incredibly selfish. She can go all the way to cook and deliver food to her friends, but she cannot make the same effort for me. Trying to make conversation with her is like talking to a wall. I told her that the cake was for her,and if she didn't want it.........

I really should stop trying to please her, its not really worth the effort. Why can't I have a nicer mum..sigh

Its been a long and busy week, filled with work and studies. This week was the start of the special semester. Taking a language class is indeed no joke, to learn something so totally foreign within the span of 6 weeks seems even more impossible. With 3 lessons a week, 3/4hrs per lesson, and each lesson extremely stress inducing as the teacher(aachaan) will call upon each person and ask as question in thai and you have to answer back. The lessons are early in the morning too, which means that my brain has not started functioning fully yet. Thus the classes have been pretty torturous so far as i have yet to grasp the language and the pace is super duper fast.

On top of that, I have been facilitating too. Long hours spent tottering about on heels, with my feet aching at the end of the day and the next day having to wake up early for class. So yup, this was indeed a very long and draining week, but in a way, I kind of enjoyed being kept so busy. And today was a rest day, and for some reason, my energy just disappeared and I spent the whole day at home feeling pmsy, and being super unproductive even though I was supposed to revise my thai, and to go gym. So feeling the need for comfort food, and mum being out, I cooked and baked and the whole process was simply therapeutic..hahah..with lovely results.. Pumpkin soup with hot, crusty baguette, macaroni and cheese and melt in the mouth chocolate cake. I really love pumpkin soup, not only because of its lovely colour(full of antioxidants), its also very healthy and thick and creamy, and very very yummy. It is relatively simple to make, with pumpkin, carrot, onion, garlic, chicken broth and some milk. Once again, I didnt follow a specific recipe, and just went by agaration.

The mac and cheese was the instant kind and all I had to do was add butter and milk, so it was super duper easy, but it was just s0 so









I did not take a picture of the chocolate cake as it did not turn out as fantastic as I thought and looked rather ugly. It was a little on the sweet side, but I loved the texture though, really melt in the mouth and moist and chocolately and very easy to make too. I melted 200g of dark chocolate and 200g of butter in a microwave oven until everything was melted. Stirred 250g of sugar into it, added 5 eggs in, one at a time, and added 1 tbsp of flour into the mixture. Pour the mixture into 8 inch baking pan and bake for about 20mins until the centre is still a little wobbly. Fantastically easy and extremely decadent, it did hit the spot for my chocolate craving, which I had avoided after the chocolate buffet. I do feel so much better now..hahah

Its been more than a week since I ended my exams, and so many things has happened since then. I wanted to blog about happy things and all, but truth is, I am in a rotten mood right now, and everytime I am in a rotten mood, I blog, cos who else can I bitch to except to this blog, where readers of course have a choice not to listen to my grumbles..

And when I am in a rotten mood, who else can I blog about but my mother. She remains the only person who can make me pissed and hurt beyond words, her forte being to complain at every single thing that I do. For example, it was her birthday last week. So to so call 'book' her because she is a very busy person who would rather celebrate her birthday with friends than her family, I asked her when she would be back for dinner so that I could cook for her. And promptly got told off by her, telling me to mind my own business. Alright, with all due respects, thats what I get for wanting to make her birthday a little special, so fine, I would get on with my own program.

Then on the day of her birthday, she told me that she would be home that day for dinner. Inwardly, I was cursing that she could have told me earlier because I had already made plans for that day. Outwardly I smiled and said I'd go ahead then. That night, I was hard at work in the kitchen making pumpkin soup and pasta for dinner. And did she say one word of appreciation? Not one word, made a lot of criticisms about the food and even scolded me because my 2 stupid dogs happened to pee all over the house, and she blamed it on me as I was hogging the kitchen and prevented them from doing there business in the kitchen. I had bought a mini strawberry cheesecake for her, keeping in mind that she did not really like chocolate. And the first thing that she said was, what an ugly cake. When I defended my choice of cake, she said that she liked chocolate. I couldn't find an answer to that and decided to keep quiet.

I am not done with bitching yet, there is more.... Then she told me that she wanted me to bake 10 bags of cookies for her friends in appreciation for helping her raise some funds. So on saturday, I got down to work and baked and packed them neatly in 10bags. I was out that night, with my dad and aunt aubrey at the chocolate buffet. Sidetracking a little, it was as good as I remembered. And this time, we ate slowly and savoured everything slowly. It was such a lovely feeling, eating my favourite food, with live violin and piano performance and just enjoying life, soaking in the ambience of the place. Anyway, back to my mum, she sent a saccharine sweet message to me, heavily peppered with sarcasm, thanking me very much for the cookies, but that she did not want to give her friends yet as she had not bought the thank you card and telling me to consult her before baking. Obviously I did not reply as my reply would not have been pleasant. I mean, you tell me to bake cookies and I bake, and now you are telling me that you don't want, what the f*** do you want me to do.

Today, when I got home, I got a scolding from her, being rude for not replying to her message, and further scolding me for baking without consulting her. I was feeling extremely fed-up, and told her that I did not have time to bake next week as I would be starting special semester. And she could keep the cookies in a airtight container and give her friends when she want to give them. And if she didnt want to give, thats fine by me too. And then I had to endure another 10mins of scolding for being rude and blah blah blah...get out of my house..go back to your dad's house...etc. But what made me very mad was when she said that she didnt have to give the cookies to her friends, but that since I liked showing off my baking skills so much, thats why she offered me the opportunity to show off my baking skills to her friends. I really do not have to prove myself to anybody at all, least of all her and her friends. My cookies are good and I know it, I have been told often enough. I bake for people I love who know how to appreciate my cookies, and if she can't appreciate it, too bad for her.